February 16, 2022
Well good evening once again. So let's get my thoughts straight here because I feel like I have a lot of them right now. The immediate first I suppose, factual I mean. Tomorrow I need to do a bit of paperwork and make a few phone calls. I also need to write a few things up. This includes brainstorming some meals that I can with some amount of confidence learn how to cook. Then I need to actually make a list of things I need for those meals and go get them. I need to include snacks on that list. I need to clean out my husband's bag. I need to finish laundry by tonight really, and put it away tomorrow. I need to clean out the old food. I think those are the big get done tomorrow tasks. Later this week I would like to reorganize some things in the downstairs sitting room. Okay so those are the basics of it. Future plans. While the idea of benefits hangs in the balance, I am considering making plans to sell some things at the local community market to make some extra cash. I feel like that would be good for me. Something I can put some energy into and get out for but that isn't tied to a deadline or other obligation that I will be in trouble for if I miss. I'll talk to my husband about it more too. OH I NEED TO ORDER THE THING FOR THE RABBIT. Yeah. Those are the big things I think covered for the most part. Holding things together with duct tape right now so to speak.
Um...feelings wise. Let's see. Stressed still. Tired. Actually I am going to like...really try to keep my medical journal updated. I might kinda revamp the whole thing to be honest. That's a good idea actually. Well the tl;dr version then is that I feel shitty still but I'm. Trying really hard to be hopeful. I know that's silly for me to be having a hard time with it but lately I just...it's been hard. I'm scared of the down you know? The up is always so fantastic and it usually makes it easier. The balance and all. But lately it feels like there is just always more and more to lose. That's always my problem is that I allow myself to have more and more to lose. I don't regret it. But sometimes I really look at myself and think "had I not let it become like this, there wouldn't be fear." There is nothing in this world I am afraid of except for being alone.
Anyway I'll talk more about the health stuff on that page. Going to update that tonight.
February 15, 2022
Coughs. Well good evening. How do I describe my feelings tonight. Hm...slippery? Buzzing. Glitchy. Sharp? Pointy but none. Inconsequential. I feel trapped. But I am trapped by things that I cannot wrap my mind around so it's confusing. I do this fucked up thing where I cycle like this right. There are certain things stressing me out right now, but the thing is that I don't like, comprehend them. What I mean is that I will look and see what the things are giving me strife. But those things, I think to myself, ultimately, are not real. They're made up things. Money, mostly, really. Money and the securities that come with it. But that isn't like, a real thing. I've been having these thoughts lately and it's so hard to describe that like. Sure I know I need money. But like I don't? Because it isn't real? It's a man made thing that doesn't matter? But it does. And that confuses me. Scrap this thought actually let's get a new one. Uh so. Fuck what do I even say it's hard. I hate when it's this way in particular where I can't like, say the things. They're there they're just not tangible. I don't want to be here. But I only don't want to be here because of things that aren't real. That's so hard to cope with. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm walking in circles. My organs feel like they are shutting down. My brain feels rotted. But I don't want. To do anything. But I do? God I'm tired I should go to bed trying to keep a journal is hard and I know it's good for me but how do you even begin to describe that which is not real. I just. I don't know. I should sleep. This doesn't make sense and I guess it doesn't need to. Computers computers computers. Jesus I sound like a mental patient. I'm gonna go to sleep now, goodnight!
February 12, 2022
Oopsies it's been a little since I wrote a journal. Anyway I've come back to talk about the crazy things going on in my mind again! Yay! Confetti flies everywhere and a bunch of people clap and scream. Uh so, first of all I am like. In such a weird state right now. And I can't like, totally identify it? That's always one of my biggest problems is I sit here and overthink it. I think because I try to tell myself that I know everything and that I can definitely just figure myself out completely. But like obviously that's not true but it's that mentality of "hey if I'm self aware then it doesn't count" or whatever right? Anyway yeah so I'm having one of those sort of few moments in life where I've crunched the numbers I've written the forms and yet I still feel as though I'm not able to get down to the root of it. Maybe I should ask other people around me but that seems too self centered, or something. Or a weird like...responsibility or something. Anyway. Uh so where was I going with this...um, I think I am either spiralling or hitting a wall or something? But it just keeps spinning like the gears? Just kinda keep turning and I keep trying to hit the emergency break because I am totally out of fuel but the switch is broken and so I just keep turning the machine over and over and like. I don't know when it stops? When it's enough? Does that make sense. I'm trying to speak in metaphors here to seem less dramatic. Or maybe that's more dramatic. I don't know and I know it doesn't matter but it sort of does to me in a way I think.
I also think I just genuinely do not know what to do like. Okay, I'm coming around to it - to the idea that I'm hitting rock bottom again. Like I kinda already knew since around maybe November but I'm only just now starting to allow myself to think, hey, maybe I'm doing not good actually and in fact this might be one of the worst spots mentally I've been in in recent history and that's all good and fine. But now how do I um...what do I do about it? What do I like. Where do I start with that? Because like, fuck my health right that's like a second concern because of the whole, need money to live thing, but I think I just like. I'm really been enjoying the past few days just spent cleaning my house and keeping things nice and checking in on myself and caring for myself like. Taking care of my environment and self and loved ones has been making me feel a lot better the past few days but when I'm doing that there is still the impedning doom of "oh yeah but I still feel like if I have to go outside for even one second I'm going to run into open traffic" thing. Oh wow I just realized writing that that I'm feeling a little better with the past few days because I'm basically on suicide watch but like on accident right now huh. I feel safer because I genuinely am like this huh. Well that's a quirky little thought. Anyway. I've been thinking about it for like a week or so now but I really really might go check myself in somewhere at some point. Like I can't do that right now that's just too much everyone I feel like is starting to breathe around me a little bit again and I don't want to disturb that balance. But I think I might like go and just kinda...yeah I don't know. Also I just had my medicine like 40 minutes ago which is why I sound fucking insane right now steroids are crazy and feel like crack. Uh hm what else is on the mind. Oh yeah I didn't log in to Genshin yesterday or today and that fucking sucks I'm not gonna get this banner and I'm gonna kill myself over it but it's fine or whatever. Anyway.
Been really wanting to just blow everything up recently like. Da world you know? I hate everything. But also I don't. I'm like. In an apathy hole. I can't fucking feel like anything at this point anymore. It's weird because I do but I don't! It's the like. It's that form of unfeeling that you're so so so numb that it comes full circle and like your brain is just like "yeah you're totally regulated!" But you're actually not processing anything. Like I'm so void of feeling that I've stopped processing that I'm void of feeling. I have no idea if that makes sense and it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Ugh I really want my Genshin dailies but I'm too tired to log in ahhhh. I'll have to do a lot tomorrow to maybe get some primos. I want Zhongli so so so so so bad. Um anything else. No I think that's it. Oh and I want to kill my parents. But that's relatively normal I guess. To summarize: Body and mind still in the process of shutting down, I feel like I have been rotting from the inside for so many years and it's finally starting to leak out and smell, I'm sad I probably won't get Zhongli, I feel like whatever part of me could once conceptualize even the feeling of apathy is now dead, and I'm so stressed that I'm starting to disconncet from reality as a failsafe. Can't be stressed if nothing is real you know! Okay goodnight!
February 4, 2022
I'm too sick and out of it to say anything important or poetic
Rotating the lyrics "We'll have you psychoanalyzed and subsequently hypnotized to confirm that you're a specimen that's suitable for sacrifice. "For sacrifice?" You ask, why yes my friend, for all comes at a price, and soon the vessel we will find in you should finally suffice" in my head over and over again like an insane freak. Okay anyway. Hi. No I'm not delusional. Uh what else do I have to say tonight. I'm still sick, sicker than before actually. Don't know what I'm gonna do about that. Kneads my bed like a cat. I'm going to try to go back to sleep and hopefully be able to actually breathe this time I think. I played Webkinz today like a well adjusted normal adult. I'm thinking about the things we could do for our bedroom, I'd like to do a few things. Anyway. Uh. Checks notes. Anything else to share...I don't know. Whatever. My brain isn't functioning at all tonight. Goes to sleep closes eyes forever.
February 1, 2022
So today the intrusive self harm thoughts are pretty intense. I mean they have been already for a while, I checked and the first time I acknowledged them getting bad again was in a Gaia journal from I believe October. But they're not only getting worse but also more violent. I've had this obsessive thought all day of replacing all my blood with something that is definitely not blood, like something harmful. As though you know taking all the blood out of my body wouldn't already hurt and kill me but to be extra it's replaced with like poison or something. Anyway. Things like that. I don't remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth or washed my face and I just don't care to. It's getting harder and harder to care about anything. I think I might have realized a big part of it actually too. I kind of realized in, thinking about you know, the whole debilitaing and actively declining physical health thing. Like how that's been such a central hinderance of my adult life for obvious reasons and the older I get the more and more I'm like "what is even the point anymore" about it you know? Anyway.
So I know that like, a lot of this could probably have been prevented if I was attended to as a child. Which got me then thinking about how like...I think I'm just now starting to sort of process the idea that my childhood and life in general has been teeming with so much unrelenting trauma from every angle that it's like, crippled me now as an adult literally and metaphorically. Like...if I examine it in full right? The mental pain, the agony of it, I just live with that. And I don't cope with it at all, my brain copes for me. If I start to experience anything at all that reminds me of my trauma, I leave front. Otherwise, I stay occupied and just don't think about it. That's all. Then, a part of that trauma, which I don't acknowledge, has left me so sick and unable to function physically that it's impacted my ability to function. Just physically. Think about that for a moment. Something that happened to me causes me so much mental agony which I don't think about, and also physical agony, which I try not to think about and try to ignore and try to rationalize as being my fault. And then the thing is I've never told anyone. Not even close. There's one person on this planet who I've told just the tip of the ice burg to about it and it doesn't even begin to cover all of it. I don't even know all of it. Only vague things, half memories, and there's so much more I know is totally not in my memory at all. I just can't..help but feel like. I have been set up my entire life for this moment. This moment of relentless struggle and fear and anxiety and inability to just do things like a normal person. Everything in my early life has sculpted me to be the most perfect example of someone who just can't...can't function. And yet I do anyway. And I'm. I'm realizing I'm not supposed to. These things I feel and think aren't normal. The way that I just can't ever seem to get a grasp on things - these aren't normal young adult struggles. None of it is. It isn't me being lazy or malignent either. It isn't a lack of motivation. I'm...starting to realize that I truly, have serious, serious problems that hinder me from living independently. Problems that nobody even /knows/ about, much less that I've ever attempted to seek help for. That I've ever had the opportunity to seek help for, is the better wording. Because I haven't. I haven't ever...when I was young, it would just be one trauma after the other. No period in between of recovery, of help, of care. And then I'm here now. And that's just it. I've never been able to catch my breath and cry about things and they just kept happening and piling up and now I'm here. And I don't know how to deal with this realization. What do I do. Where do I begin. How do I tell the people around me, "hey, I think I'm a lot, and I mean a LOT, sicker than I've previously ever dared to admit to myself." What do I say? How? I can't. I can't people rely on me. I've put myself in this situation where now people rely on me. So what do I do? Who do I talk to? I can't. I can't. I don't know how much longer I can keep living like this. Which isn't to say I exactly want to die. I just want...to get better. I want to get better truly. But that was a process that should have been started nearly two decades ago. So how do I start now, without resources at all? Still without them. Still they are inaccessible. What do I do?
January 30, 2022
And here I am once again to complain mostly. I don't really know what to do anymore. I'm realizing more and more that no matter how hard I try or what I do I just can't...do work away from home. Like it's not sustainable. I can't predict when my illness will act up. I can't reliably say I won't have to miss work because of it. I thought that three days a week would be fine but even this is killing me. I don't know! I have no idea what to do anymore. I need to work from home. Or not work at all hahahahah. That would be GREAT. I don't fucking know I know I'm just sick right now but when am I not sick. I don't know anymore. I started working in a place and a position I literally could only dream of before because of a really really lucky break and after 3 months I already fucking hate it and dread going in not because of the work itself but because of the pain and problems it causes me physically to go, and because of the anxiety caused by knowing I can't always go and how that reflects on me as a person, and because of the ableism I face when I do go. It's like. Everything I go and do and enjoy, all of the passion is shot out of me because of my issues as soon as I start. It feels like I'm always perpetually hitting the ground running after the last fall and the moment I start to get into my stride I trip again and the thing that always trips me up is my poor health. I have no idea. I'm losing the light again. Then again I don't think I ever really have had it, I've just had it temporarily in a faux way. I'm tired of this.
January 24, 2022
Something's gotta give!
So. I almost certainly got the Corona. I feel like garbage. But I feel worse mentally for sure. I'm having a psychotic episode and a very bad one at that. I feel so disconnected. I don't feel like my actions have any sort of consequence right now. I feel as though everything I do has zero reaction. I am really really disconnceted from reality. A departure. I'm experiencing the departure again. The fullest extent of it. Depart, vicarious, absent, sleepless, these are words that can barely capture it. That's why I cling to them obsessively. Obsessive is another but not quite as formidable. None of this makes sense and that's fine. I don't feel like I'm one for this world. I don't feel above or below it. Just detached. Departed. Completely disconnected from the reality others are experiencing around me. Which doesn't mean they are not real to me, just not in the same way I am to them. The things I do aren't conductive. Conductivity. That's the thing here. I know this isn't making sense. But really, I mean it. I can't trust what anything in my mind is telling me. But I don't feel either. At all, that is. My emotions have shut off. The valvue is closed tight at this point. Apathy very high. Emotions very low. I feel like laughing at everything but in an empty way. I feel as though if you were to look at my eyes right now you would see them shining. But in an off kilter way. Everything about me right now I suppose is as such. If I were in a different circumstance I would give to it. But I can't. So I just float. Floating and floating and hoping nobody notices. Sleepless. Totally sleepless through life. I'm not making sense and that's okay right now. I know I try to pretend this isn't debilitating but it is. God I can't imagine the world right now. I would like to hurt something I think but I wouldn't as well. I would like to feel I think is the main thing. Or maybe I wouldn't I'm not sure. I have no idea. I'm trying so hard to get these feelings written down and out of me but nothing ever works like that when it's like this because it's so all consuming. I don't know. Oh fuck I can't be there like this. I want it gone. It's sick. I don't know! Fuck I don't know there aren't enough words to explain it. I can't possibly capture it in language or anything else even action couldn't. In any case I will go to bed soon probably sort of soon I don't know. I don't know. Endless like this forever. The departure is here and it is not going away.
January 23, 2022
Well well well
And we are live. The big new page I wanted to do is done. Now on to the next. I will update the "updates" page, and perhaps write a health journal. Other than that, I'm definitely going to add the pixel hoard page. Been meaning to for a while and while the page itself is going to be ridiculously fucking large it'll be one of the easiest to code. I might split it into some different categories just to make it a little less eye-bleeding to view but hey that's part of the aesthetic and all.
I also will probably draw some more today. I have a few days off work in a row so I want to try and really be creative. I might also go to the market today but we'll see. Anyway, that's all for now I think!
January 21, 2022
Pardon the dust
Good evening Neocities users and etc. So to recap where we left off I am moved into my new place and have a new job. I'm pretty happy with it! I'd like to ask for a transfer into a different position at some point. I figure I'll give it a good year to pad the ol' resume. The house is lovely, everyone I live with is lovely. June will bring about my second wedding anniversary and December will bring about my seventh year of being in a relationship with my husband. He is truly my whole world.
To say I am entirely satisfied with the new place, however, would be...dishonest. I love the house and I love how beautiful it is here but I think that I really left a part of my heart where we were before. The people here are cold, and not in the way I thought I would be able to handle. It's a culture shock the likes of which I haven't experienced before and I'm struggling. I don't know if it's helped by the fact that I haven't been able to really "go out" and do "fun" activities yet since I'm still getting my barings. That and the whole like, plague and everything but that's neither here nor there. I just really can't seem to figure out how to get along with the people here. The autism doesn't help at all. But I digress.
Otherwise, personal things have been. Hm. Well? I'm having mental health issues real bad to be quite honest. But I'm just sort of trusting the process. The physical side of things is unbearable right now though. I'll talk about it more in depth in my health journal but my god it's really bad. There's just a lot going on with my body right now and the stress it causes every single day is just...piling up.
In any case! Right now I'm trying really really hard to get a vehicle. It's like impossible to live here without one. The new guy in my head (yeah, among several, I've made a lot in the past year or so) earlier was just like "get a moped" and like you know what? Not a terrible idea. I'm thinking of talking to my beloved about it when he wakes up.
Sooooo about the site then. My resolution for the new year was to create more. I didn't nearly enough in 2021 and it shows. I think it would help a lot to get back to making things and this little website is sort of like my never ending project so of course it would be included in that. I think the journaling would help as well. Hard to keep up things like that with the whole "dissociative symptoms are becoming debilitating again" but like I really hope I can keep it up as much as possible. I'd like to really try and get some of my WIPs done. I'm also experimenting with different stuff as far as digital art goes right now, so I'm thinking of making an art page to post that here, but we'll see.
Hope everyone has been healthy and safe! Happy late new year!
August 9, 2021
Future of the site, some thoughts
Well good morning/afternoon/evening. So far I've been updating a few things here and there, mostly easy pages that just require a quick copy + paste without any actual coding changes, just text replacement and etc. I have no idea how long I'll keep the momentum up to keep doing this, but for now, here we are. And besides, I don't have it in my mind to delete the site any time soon. But we'll see how long my energy lasts this time around.
Also, I'm moving in a few weeks here. Things in my life are surely going to start picking up after that. I definitely won't have as much time to play around on neocities and the rest of the world wide web. But we'll see! I'm still in school, so I might have a bit of time left before this becomes yet another lost remnant of my online presence. For now, I'll keep trying to finish the things I haven't yet on here and we'll see where that goes.
August 5, 2021
A fair and friendly greetings!
Well it's been a while! First off, thank you for 10k page views! That's insane! I'm sorry I haven't touched neocities in so very long. I thought that a proper journal page was in order. I'm not sure how motivated I'll be to keep this up, but I thought about it randomly today and logged in and was suprised to see numbers like that since I've been away. I get random bursts of creativity and interest so, today was just one of those days, I suppose. Thank you for your patience.
That being said - I have some plans to pick a few things back up. Polish a page off here, adjust something there. As far as life updates go, I'm doing well! I'm moving, actually, very soon, and then life will get busy, so likely this little slice of the internet will go dark once again. But while we're here, we'll try and make the most of it together, yeah? I'd like to at least finish or update the pages I've been meaning to. Let's see where it goes. Anyway, thank you again for the page views and follows! I'm glad that people enjoy it.