Pain Scale: 4

Anxiety Scale: 5

Depression Scale: 4

Dissociation Scale: 1

Hallucinating?: No

So I am redoing the format of this entire...thing. I'm going to really try my best to keep up with it because...really it's good for me.

Where to begin. Well we'll start from the top okay. The pain is there of course. Today in particular, my back and hips are pretty bad. My neck isn't great but it's okay. My joints particularly in my elbows are aching a bit, my shoulders are pretty bad. My head hurts a little, but that's from being tired I think. My stomach hurts, and has been hurting for a few days. It's been pretty bad. It's so weird so listen to this right. When I wake up, my throat hurts a lot. As the day goes on it gets a little better, but I swear to god my throat hurts after I eat specifically? But not really in like a strep throat way, like it feels almost like pressure? You know that phlemy feeling? It's like that, but it's like specifically after I eat, paired with bad heartburn. It's like when I eat food, it gets that feeling of going like "halfway down" that heartburn gives, but it also puts this weird pressure on my throat and it makes me like, literally almost cough and fucking phlem comes up? Like that almost half mouth puke you get from bad heartburn but instead of food it's literally phlem it's so so weird. I know that's like so gross but I'm using this page for this kinda stuff in particular so.

My skin has felt kinda clammy, especially when I first wake up. It's similar to when I first got sick with the cove. A lot of these past few days with the gut problems are similar. The respiration has been a little better but I still get out of breath from moving too much and other things. The lumps are still there also and still just as painful. I have no idea what to do about them because they didn't see anything of significance with the ultrasound. Um there has been pain also, when I eat, in like my sides? Anyway. Another big big thing is that I am like, crazy bad fatigued. After like 6 hours of being awake I'm ready for a nap. Usually I can get a good 8 hours or so but I'm getting exhausted after only 5 hours of being active.

I know this is getting lengthy but I'm trying to like catalogue exactly what's going on at this moment in time so that I can just continue on from this starting point. Let's move on to the brain stuff. Uh so, I'm really badly depressed I'm pretty sure. Today was a little better! But overall I'm in a really dark place right now I won't lie. It's getting really hard. And that in itself causes even more issues because the schizoaffective kicks in and so my psychosis has been really bad as well. I've been feeling really disconnected with any kind of sense of reality, as well as identity. It's getting to be like when I was 19 again and just. Totally losing touch. I'm also like...I dunno I'm really always pretty apathetic but it feels like I've become so extremely apathetic that I've come full circle. I've been so apathetic that the part of me that could feel apathy is now apathetic. It's crazy. I left front the other day after being fucking stuck for like over a week and I kinda feel like that might have let some steam off which is good.

Waiting on some appointments right now. I'm also going to talk about literally everything to this new PCP. I'm really not gonna hold anything back because god I need an advocate for real this time. Genuinely if by the end of this month I don't have some kind of solid-ish idea of a plan for getting benefits I might put myself somewhere so they can do it there. Because lord fucking knows if they don't wanna believe me on the physical side of things the psychologists will. Anyway! Here's hoping!