2.12.2022 FUCK AHHHHH. I can't fucking talk about this on my nromal journal page who cares I need to geet it out of me right now i pdn't care about spelling and typing on this pafe okay listen to me I'm going to lose it I'm seriously at myf ucking limit with this shit I don't car eanumroe I'm gonna talk about it here and not anywhere else shut the fuck up shu t up shut up. I started sobbing I was sitting here like totally fine and I jsut start crying and crying and crying and i'M still cruing so so much right now I ltierally just keep sobbing and I just. I keep thinking aout my mom and about arizona i miss it so so much i miss arizona so much i miss my backyarda nd i miss the shitty houses and imiss. i miss it. i miss it os much i miss my mom i miss our townhouse i miss it. it was so broken and gross and i need it back i couldnt breathe upstarisr because it was always so hot and dry and i miss iit i miss the sounds of the bar late at night i miss the air i miss. i 'm cant'stop crying i feel like such a baby but i misss it i miss it and imiss her i miss my mom imiss my mom so so os mcuh i fele like i'm gonna throw up i miss her i shoudl. i shouldnt have left i should have stayed there aand that s SO WRONG I KNOW ITS RWRONG I KNOW ITS SO SO SO NOT WHAT I REALLY WANT but fucking in mometns like this im dont want . anything i have right now i wanna go back to her and her townhouse and it's me and her and nobody selse and she takes me on car rides somewitmes and we go get sonic and i sit in her house and play on my computr and i jsut. cant i cant i cant stop crying i cant stop thinking about her. i want to be shelterd nd taken care of i want my mom back i want our townhouse back i wanna go walk around the twon sometiems and take the bus nd everyone knwos im the adult child who lives with the partent at home and thatim kinda sad and messed up bt im really nice and doing my best i miss it. i miss it. i miss the eyes that say sympathy and pity and sadness instead of annoyance and expectation and harshness i miss. it. i miss my mom. i miss the townhouse. i miss arizona. i miss arizona. i miss the dry the air the dirt. the dirt backyeards. i miss johan i miss him so so so much i know that's. i know. i miss him. i miss when we would stay at each others houses and we both lvid in the same circumstances weher we were jsut. at our houses. and all the time at our hosues. and i miss his house and i miss going out with hima nd he was the only person i qowuld see. oh my god it just hit me at once when i tyepd it jst sthen ehe aas lthe onlt fuking person i saw duirng thaht timeeropd. thats jwy. that s. so much of the reaosn wh im still so sos os sos o messed up about him oh my god. oh my god. ioh myg od. i miss my mom i miss the townhouse i miss johan i miss bieng 19 i miss it i miss it i wanna be 19 aagain isdont. i feel like im gonna be sick. im jsut crying so much i literally can/t stop . i miss him. i miss my mom i miss ariozna. i miss it i feel. . i can't i cant; do this anymoroe. i cna't.i feel sick,. i dont loww what to do i fel like if i i jsut keep saying the same things over and over it';; amke it bettter bt it wotn . i fee.l. i cant. do this anymore. i miss my mom i miss the townhouse i miss arizona i miss johan i miss the freeeways i miss the heatt i miss the dry i miss the. i miss it. i'm crying. i can't stop crying thinkg about all of it. i feel so lost. i feel. sos os scared. i dont feel anything anymore.

1.26.2022 Ohhmy god. Ohhmy god. Okay. I know I've been thinkg about this all day I need to put it somwhere though like so so badly oh my fucking god. Nobody read this shit I literally can;t explain it and it's going to be batshit okay this is my batshit page leave me the fuck alone. Genuinely okay. Um. Um. This is really fucking bad I think lie I'm joking abiut it with everyone right now and i;m tryong to just go with the idea that I'm just fixating for this specific moment but I am like. Overtaken so fast with tese thoughts and delusions and I havent had one like this in a relly long time where looking at certain things at certain characers at chertain. Scenes make me feel like this I hate being dissociative and psychotic I wish so bad I could consume media in a fucking normal way but alright listen. Listen. I am not going to be able to stop thinking about this for such a long time. I think. i'm pretty sure. I am so. Like it's when they're vivid right? It's when they're so vivid and all at once and it feels like. God I'm such an insane son of a bitch to still be doing this shit at this age. I'm so fucking sick and I mean it genuinely. But I just can't. Help it. The sensations I feel and the things my mind I can tell is replacing the terror and fear of what I've felt these past few months with this instead like I knowwhy it happens I;m self aware I;m totally self aware. I'm completely self aware. BUT STILL! I CAN'T HELP IT! IT always happens I hate this I want to be normal but. if it's just me here, for a moment, I'm going to be a ltitle abnormal okay? Just for a second alone with myself I'm going to be a little strange and I'm going to say and think things that are just not very normal at all and that most people would think are really wrong or soemthign or SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW!! I don't know. Anyway. It's all rushing it feels like like it's physically hard to catch my breath. It feels like being knocked in the head and suddenly realizing you forgot the past several months of your life and they all come together at oncea dn yuo remember faces and things and events and feelings and how you felt about all of those as you experienced them and experienced being around them all at once in one second. I hat eit. I'm so stupid for this haha. But I can't help it my mind is seriously seriously brokena dn would rather I feel the rushes of fear and exciement and happiness and sadness and utter terror associated with this thing instead of the other thing okay. I get it it. Escapism in an artform. But it won't stop today and I haven't had it this bad in I don't know how long. It's a little exciting it's familiar. I'm exhaused I should sleep. But I'm going to keep thinking about this I can't turn off my brain it feels like it's un a blender. ANYWAY. Nobody look at this. You wouldn;t get it. All of the things. Jesus. Christ. Let me think about it more and more. I don't want to think about the reality of things anymire. This reality is vetter to accept , and esier ti accept. I'm goin to think about this for a while longer. More and more as I feel my compulsion rise and stop resisiting it. Goodnight I;ll see you in my dreams.

11.22.2020 what the fck was i on when i made this page? lol but yeah feel the same way just probably about some different shit huh.

1.21.2020 ok ok ok ok fuck pk i know im gonnna sound creazy i know is ound insane but listen to me i;liste to me. i know its you i know it s you i know it syou i know i know i know i know who else ould it be ive been searchng ive been curiosu ive awlays wonderered where yo u went and now here you ware in front o fm ebut its not you its nt its someone lse e but i know that i knew i shoud have susepecte dyou either. . changed or ouo are the same but changed but differenet DO YOU UNDERSTAND. i really want ot know. i knwa. i want ot know. i want to kniw. i wnat to reach out but yove griwn youve grown so much i can tell icna tell youre getting beter i can tell yuove growna dn what baout me. wht a bout me. nothig. thig. nothing i sfdifferent. nothing is changed. im sill this way sill this twa stull so fucking depressing a sstuid fuck this fkc this cck thsf ufkckckc i hate it