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January 30, 2022

Under pressure!

And here I am once again to complain mostly. I don't really know what to do anymore. I'm realizing more and more that no matter how hard I try or what I do I just can' work away from home. Like it's not sustainable. I can't predict when my illness will act up. I can't reliably say I won't have to miss work because of it. I thought that three days a week would be fine but even this is killing me. I don't know! I have no idea what to do anymore. I need to work from home. Or not work at all hahahahah. That would be GREAT. I don't fucking know I know I'm just sick right now but when am I not sick. I don't know anymore. I started working in a place and a position I literally could only dream of before because of a really really lucky break and after 3 months I already fucking hate it and dread going in not because of the work itself but because of the pain and problems it causes me physically to go, and because of the anxiety caused by knowing I can't always go and how that reflects on me as a person, and because of the ableism I face when I do go. It's like. Everything I go and do and enjoy, all of the passion is shot out of me because of my issues as soon as I start. It feels like I'm always perpetually hitting the ground running after the last fall and the moment I start to get into my stride I trip again and the thing that always trips me up is my poor health. I have no idea. I'm losing the light again. Then again I don't think I ever really have had it, I've just had it temporarily in a faux way. I'm tired of this.