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January 24, 2022

Something's gotta give!

So. I almost certainly got the Corona. I feel like garbage. But I feel worse mentally for sure. I'm having a psychotic episode and a very bad one at that. I feel so disconnected. I don't feel like my actions have any sort of consequence right now. I feel as though everything I do has zero reaction. I am really really disconnceted from reality. A departure. I'm experiencing the departure again. The fullest extent of it. Depart, vicarious, absent, sleepless, these are words that can barely capture it. That's why I cling to them obsessively. Obsessive is another but not quite as formidable. None of this makes sense and that's fine. I don't feel like I'm one for this world. I don't feel above or below it. Just detached. Departed. Completely disconnected from the reality others are experiencing around me. Which doesn't mean they are not real to me, just not in the same way I am to them. The things I do aren't conductive. Conductivity. That's the thing here. I know this isn't making sense. But really, I mean it. I can't trust what anything in my mind is telling me. But I don't feel either. At all, that is. My emotions have shut off. The valvue is closed tight at this point. Apathy very high. Emotions very low. I feel like laughing at everything but in an empty way. I feel as though if you were to look at my eyes right now you would see them shining. But in an off kilter way. Everything about me right now I suppose is as such. If I were in a different circumstance I would give to it. But I can't. So I just float. Floating and floating and hoping nobody notices. Sleepless. Totally sleepless through life. I'm not making sense and that's okay right now. I know I try to pretend this isn't debilitating but it is. God I can't imagine the world right now. I would like to hurt something I think but I wouldn't as well. I would like to feel I think is the main thing. Or maybe I wouldn't I'm not sure. I have no idea. I'm trying so hard to get these feelings written down and out of me but nothing ever works like that when it's like this because it's so all consuming. I don't know. Oh fuck I can't be there like this. I want it gone. It's sick. I don't know! Fuck I don't know there aren't enough words to explain it. I can't possibly capture it in language or anything else even action couldn't. In any case I will go to bed soon probably sort of soon I don't know. I don't know. Endless like this forever. The departure is here and it is not going away.