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February 15, 2022

Counting down

Coughs. Well good evening. How do I describe my feelings tonight. Hm...slippery? Buzzing. Glitchy. Sharp? Pointy but none. Inconsequential. I feel trapped. But I am trapped by things that I cannot wrap my mind around so it's confusing. I do this fucked up thing where I cycle like this right. There are certain things stressing me out right now, but the thing is that I don't like, comprehend them. What I mean is that I will look and see what the things are giving me strife. But those things, I think to myself, ultimately, are not real. They're made up things. Money, mostly, really. Money and the securities that come with it. But that isn't like, a real thing. I've been having these thoughts lately and it's so hard to describe that like. Sure I know I need money. But like I don't? Because it isn't real? It's a man made thing that doesn't matter? But it does. And that confuses me. Scrap this thought actually let's get a new one. Uh so. Fuck what do I even say it's hard. I hate when it's this way in particular where I can't like, say the things. They're there they're just not tangible. I don't want to be here. But I only don't want to be here because of things that aren't real. That's so hard to cope with. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm walking in circles. My organs feel like they are shutting down. My brain feels rotted. But I don't want. To do anything. But I do? God I'm tired I should go to bed trying to keep a journal is hard and I know it's good for me but how do you even begin to describe that which is not real. I just. I don't know. I should sleep. This doesn't make sense and I guess it doesn't need to. Computers computers computers. Jesus I sound like a mental patient. I'm gonna go to sleep now, goodnight!