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February 12, 2022

Brain stew

Oopsies it's been a little since I wrote a journal. Anyway I've come back to talk about the crazy things going on in my mind again! Yay! Confetti flies everywhere and a bunch of people clap and scream. Uh so, first of all I am like. In such a weird state right now. And I can't like, totally identify it? That's always one of my biggest problems is I sit here and overthink it. I think because I try to tell myself that I know everything and that I can definitely just figure myself out completely. But like obviously that's not true but it's that mentality of "hey if I'm self aware then it doesn't count" or whatever right? Anyway yeah so I'm having one of those sort of few moments in life where I've crunched the numbers I've written the forms and yet I still feel as though I'm not able to get down to the root of it. Maybe I should ask other people around me but that seems too self centered, or something. Or a weird like...responsibility or something. Anyway. Uh so where was I going with, I think I am either spiralling or hitting a wall or something? But it just keeps spinning like the gears? Just kinda keep turning and I keep trying to hit the emergency break because I am totally out of fuel but the switch is broken and so I just keep turning the machine over and over and like. I don't know when it stops? When it's enough? Does that make sense. I'm trying to speak in metaphors here to seem less dramatic. Or maybe that's more dramatic. I don't know and I know it doesn't matter but it sort of does to me in a way I think.

I also think I just genuinely do not know what to do like. Okay, I'm coming around to it - to the idea that I'm hitting rock bottom again. Like I kinda already knew since around maybe November but I'm only just now starting to allow myself to think, hey, maybe I'm doing not good actually and in fact this might be one of the worst spots mentally I've been in in recent history and that's all good and fine. But now how do I um...what do I do about it? What do I like. Where do I start with that? Because like, fuck my health right that's like a second concern because of the whole, need money to live thing, but I think I just like. I'm really been enjoying the past few days just spent cleaning my house and keeping things nice and checking in on myself and caring for myself like. Taking care of my environment and self and loved ones has been making me feel a lot better the past few days but when I'm doing that there is still the impedning doom of "oh yeah but I still feel like if I have to go outside for even one second I'm going to run into open traffic" thing. Oh wow I just realized writing that that I'm feeling a little better with the past few days because I'm basically on suicide watch but like on accident right now huh. I feel safer because I genuinely am like this huh. Well that's a quirky little thought. Anyway. I've been thinking about it for like a week or so now but I really really might go check myself in somewhere at some point. Like I can't do that right now that's just too much everyone I feel like is starting to breathe around me a little bit again and I don't want to disturb that balance. But I think I might like go and just kinda...yeah I don't know. Also I just had my medicine like 40 minutes ago which is why I sound fucking insane right now steroids are crazy and feel like crack. Uh hm what else is on the mind. Oh yeah I didn't log in to Genshin yesterday or today and that fucking sucks I'm not gonna get this banner and I'm gonna kill myself over it but it's fine or whatever. Anyway.

Been really wanting to just blow everything up recently like. Da world you know? I hate everything. But also I don't. I'm like. In an apathy hole. I can't fucking feel like anything at this point anymore. It's weird because I do but I don't! It's the like. It's that form of unfeeling that you're so so so numb that it comes full circle and like your brain is just like "yeah you're totally regulated!" But you're actually not processing anything. Like I'm so void of feeling that I've stopped processing that I'm void of feeling. I have no idea if that makes sense and it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Ugh I really want my Genshin dailies but I'm too tired to log in ahhhh. I'll have to do a lot tomorrow to maybe get some primos. I want Zhongli so so so so so bad. Um anything else. No I think that's it. Oh and I want to kill my parents. But that's relatively normal I guess. To summarize: Body and mind still in the process of shutting down, I feel like I have been rotting from the inside for so many years and it's finally starting to leak out and smell, I'm sad I probably won't get Zhongli, I feel like whatever part of me could once conceptualize even the feeling of apathy is now dead, and I'm so stressed that I'm starting to disconncet from reality as a failsafe. Can't be stressed if nothing is real you know! Okay goodnight!