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February 1, 2022


So today the intrusive self harm thoughts are pretty intense. I mean they have been already for a while, I checked and the first time I acknowledged them getting bad again was in a Gaia journal from I believe October. But they're not only getting worse but also more violent. I've had this obsessive thought all day of replacing all my blood with something that is definitely not blood, like something harmful. As though you know taking all the blood out of my body wouldn't already hurt and kill me but to be extra it's replaced with like poison or something. Anyway. Things like that. I don't remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth or washed my face and I just don't care to. It's getting harder and harder to care about anything. I think I might have realized a big part of it actually too. I kind of realized in, thinking about you know, the whole debilitaing and actively declining physical health thing. Like how that's been such a central hinderance of my adult life for obvious reasons and the older I get the more and more I'm like "what is even the point anymore" about it you know? Anyway.

So I know that like, a lot of this could probably have been prevented if I was attended to as a child. Which got me then thinking about how like...I think I'm just now starting to sort of process the idea that my childhood and life in general has been teeming with so much unrelenting trauma from every angle that it's like, crippled me now as an adult literally and metaphorically. Like...if I examine it in full right? The mental pain, the agony of it, I just live with that. And I don't cope with it at all, my brain copes for me. If I start to experience anything at all that reminds me of my trauma, I leave front. Otherwise, I stay occupied and just don't think about it. That's all. Then, a part of that trauma, which I don't acknowledge, has left me so sick and unable to function physically that it's impacted my ability to function. Just physically. Think about that for a moment. Something that happened to me causes me so much mental agony which I don't think about, and also physical agony, which I try not to think about and try to ignore and try to rationalize as being my fault. And then the thing is I've never told anyone. Not even close. There's one person on this planet who I've told just the tip of the ice burg to about it and it doesn't even begin to cover all of it. I don't even know all of it. Only vague things, half memories, and there's so much more I know is totally not in my memory at all. I just can' but feel like. I have been set up my entire life for this moment. This moment of relentless struggle and fear and anxiety and inability to just do things like a normal person. Everything in my early life has sculpted me to be the most perfect example of someone who just can't...can't function. And yet I do anyway. And I'm. I'm realizing I'm not supposed to. These things I feel and think aren't normal. The way that I just can't ever seem to get a grasp on things - these aren't normal young adult struggles. None of it is. It isn't me being lazy or malignent either. It isn't a lack of motivation. I'm...starting to realize that I truly, have serious, serious problems that hinder me from living independently. Problems that nobody even /knows/ about, much less that I've ever attempted to seek help for. That I've ever had the opportunity to seek help for, is the better wording. Because I haven't. I haven't ever...when I was young, it would just be one trauma after the other. No period in between of recovery, of help, of care. And then I'm here now. And that's just it. I've never been able to catch my breath and cry about things and they just kept happening and piling up and now I'm here. And I don't know how to deal with this realization. What do I do. Where do I begin. How do I tell the people around me, "hey, I think I'm a lot, and I mean a LOT, sicker than I've previously ever dared to admit to myself." What do I say? How? I can't. I can't people rely on me. I've put myself in this situation where now people rely on me. So what do I do? Who do I talk to? I can't. I can't. I don't know how much longer I can keep living like this. Which isn't to say I exactly want to die. I just get better. I want to get better truly. But that was a process that should have been started nearly two decades ago. So how do I start now, without resources at all? Still without them. Still they are inaccessible. What do I do?